my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
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If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
😂🍻
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.