Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

#MeanwhileInCanada

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.