My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
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Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.