Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response