Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

I used to be married, but I’m better now

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.