Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

Midwest trash talk

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

Dudes named Chance never had one.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing