My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
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MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I can’t stop watching this.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
socratic questions
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you