Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

incredible book dedication