Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.