My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
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office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre