My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I hate my earbuds.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage