My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
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If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do