My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
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Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.