My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
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You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.