My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
You Might Also Like
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
You know that person who shoves scared skydivers out of the plane? I think i’d like that job