Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap