Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

i made a craigslist ad !

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!