my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
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Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.