My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
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People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
So sorry
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Dune (2021)
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…