Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

britain’s three elite institutions

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone