My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
You Might Also Like
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Cheer up.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.