Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

Yoga Matt

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.