Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

I hope they boil the right one.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you