Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

Nose

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.