Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

Feels like there should be a middle ground

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

🦝🔥🦝🔥

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

oh good, now I can stop drinking