My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
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Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Love this guy
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
This forever.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.