Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.