Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.