My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
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Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”