My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
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My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.