My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
You Might Also Like
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO