My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
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I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
San Francisco has too many rules
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
My five year plan is a meteorite
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman