Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.