Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.