Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.