My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
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“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
As per my previous tablet…
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over