My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
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me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe