My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
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I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*