My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
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You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
the last thing a carrot sees
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.