Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died