My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
You Might Also Like
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?