My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
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It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday