Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

me, too, girl. me, too.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.