my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
that wasn’t the question
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If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
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Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.