My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
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JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
reviewed some movies recently
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.