Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]