My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
You Might Also Like
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome