Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

can’t talk my ride’s here

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

favorite tropes as memes

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!