My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
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I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Print is alive and well!!!
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
