My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
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I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
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Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix