Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there