my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
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A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter