my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
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Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.