Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

I was bored.

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water