My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
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Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
