Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”

You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven