My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
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Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
A McRib killed my tapeworm.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.