My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
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[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will