My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
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Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My dream car is a taco truck.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Oh deer
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.