My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
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this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.