My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
You Might Also Like
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo