My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

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COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre


GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad


God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”


Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!


Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.


yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist


No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.


Started a pillow fight with my boyfriend, but I forgot that’s where I hide my Oreos.


Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.