My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
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What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*