Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

😂 amazing answer

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

I’m the neighbor

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots