Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

Digital security in Ancient Troy

“What?”
– Jude

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,