*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
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Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I had to Stop for this
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Many hands make light work
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”