my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
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I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU