Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U