Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

My work here is don’t.

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

Easy enough.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit