My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
