My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Match dot com, but for socks.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
