My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldnât answer her. đ
my 4yo has started saying the phrase âcalm downâ and it works as well on me as it does on him
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THEREâS A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call âmy cake.â
Iâm sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but canât retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a firemanâs pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Well well wellâŚif it isnât the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothingâs happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Thereâs been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
Couples who finish each otherâs sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks weâre in some kind of a gang or something.
Well if this doesnât sum up 2024 perfectly I donât know what does
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied âNo thanks, Iâm the driverâ.
#Wednesdaymorning
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isnât so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, werenât you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but âchoose your own adventureâ books*
m: aw hell
Me: I have too much to do, thereâs not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I hate when Iâm playing air guitar and I break an air string.
The dinner I made tonight wasnât great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: Thatâs pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. Itâll be a cable TV installer.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
If a spoon doesnât stand up straight in a cup of coffee youâre not brewing it right.
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song iâve ever liked. iâll start one called âsad :(â and itâll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Dance like no oneâs going to press charges.
âInstalling this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.â
Dads in unison: âNooooo!â
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse đ
If youâre stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Yâall I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now Iâm DYING
