My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldnât answer her. đ
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[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. Iâm in morning.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Turns out my toddlerâs only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Size matters
â me, when alcohol is being poured
WIFE: weâve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to âthrillâ them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: ButâŠbutâŠ
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
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My 8-year-old correctly used the word âaestheticâ in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. Itâs turning her into an English major.
why are we keeping it a secret where iâm supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
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Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so iâll take it
ME: itâs 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldnât care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. âHello?â
I start crying. âBad news?â she asks, as I hang up.
âNo, babe. Itâs an onion.â
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
whats wrong?
âthe billsâ
we need to cut costs
âany suggestionsâ
at least 3
[my backup singers] đ¶I think sheâs talking abou-
ânot now ladiesâ
Steering date to cheaper âcatch of the yesterdayâ on seafood menu.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
When youâre feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.