My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Hero horse inspires millions
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks