My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
SQUARREL
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.