Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

don’t we all

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”