My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection